Driving Secrets Everyone Should Know

What’s more realistic than President Obama’s birth certificate,
funnier than presidential candidate and former Speaker of the House
Newt Gengrich trying to defend his moral character,
and way less expensive than an overdraft charge from your bank?

True Driving
The OFFICIAL Unofficial Driver Handbook™

Valid in all 57 states Obama visited
during his election campaign,
including the 2 his staff would not justify.

A Taste of What’s Inside

Dedication


This book is dedicated to the memory of Senator Edward M. “Ted” Kennedy (1932–2009).
His liberal views on human rights and legendary exploits at Chappaquiddick
inspired a whole generation of partygoers, inebriated drivers, and President Bill Clinton.

 

Who Must Have a License

If you are a tax paying, IRS-hating, U.S. citizen who owns, drives,
or lives in a car, you should have a driver’s license. 
Some states provide limited exceptions to this rule, such as:


  • Illegal aliens, who don’t really live, work or drive here, but receive free education and medical benefits
  • Car thieves who drive away in your car whether they have a license or not
  • Car dealers who meet the previous exemption requirement when calculating the trade-in value of your used car
  • Televangelists of absolute integrity and unblemished moral character (both are eligible)
  • Former professional football players accused of wife murdering, who incidentally were not very good actors
  • The tax-exempt millionaire casino owner of native American descent next door
  • Owners of jacked up and pimped out sport utility vehicles who believe they are immortal




Excerpt From Sample Written Driving Test

You’re driving on the highway in foggy conditions with 12-foot visibility
during an earthquake measuring 4.9 on the Richter scale in a 27-knot wind. 
A dog falls out of the bed of a pick-up truck right in front of you
at 53 miles per hour. You should:


  1. Run over the dog
  2. Swerve into the car in the lane next to you, forcing the driver into a dangerous maneuver
  3. Collect the pieces of the dog, catch up to the pick-up driver, and toss the remains into the bed



While driving, you accidentally bump a pedestrian, scuffing a shoe
and severing a leg. You are required to:


  1. Include him as a dependent on your IRS form 1040-EZ for life
  2. Ask if he is OK
  3. Tell him the joke about the limbless shark attack victim named Bob





To keep a safe following distance between your car
and the car ahead, you should:


  1. Just drive the way you normally do
  2. Honk for the driver to let you pass, especially in totally congested traffic
  3. Flash your brights just moments before you ram the car up and over the center divider


The Empathetic Driver


This section is not about pathetic drivers, it’s about cruising a mile in someone else’s ride,
to quote the Dalai Lama. You may wonder if this concept has any practical value.
Practically speaking, automotive empathy is about as likely to occur as President Obama
wearing Bin Laden’s dusty robes, and currently deceased Al-Qaeda leader
Osama donning Barak’s capitalist threads as the Secretary of Agriculture.
The resulting relationship would be the Barak Osama Bin Biden Laden Obama Administration,
which for obvious reasons would never work. Terrorists make lousy farmers,
and empathetic drivers make lousy terrorists. Or Chicago gangsters.
Not that our President is one. A lousy driver, that is.




The Secrets of Successful Driving

There is a certain logic to the way people drive. 
One that defies the conventions of civilized society. 
It can best be described as a primal state of eat or be eaten.
As soon as you understand this logic and how it manifests while you drive,
your world will change for the better. If this sounds like a sales pitch,
then you clearly have the intelligence to see through the charade
of formal driving rules. True Driving is for you.

Within its pages you will discover:


  • 9 categories of drivers who are exempt from having a valid Driver’s License
  • 4 inalienable rights you may exercise while driving
  • 1 simple math skill to prevent you from wasting thousands of dollars on optional state taxes
  • 19 tips for passing DMV written and driving tests
  • 1 proven technique for successfully avoiding the Gigantic MoTH
  • 10 shocking truths about buying a car from a registered dealer
  • 7 secrets to help you save thousands of dollars on your next car purchase
  • 18 ways to use traffic signs and signals to outmaneuver other drivers
  • 4 iron-clad rules governing right of way and 5 exceptions to those rules
  • 3 methods for calculating safe driving speed based on posted signs
  • 6 lanes you can drive in when traffic gets heavy
  • 2 hand signals that will clear traffic in a lane you want to enter
  • 1 automotive accessory that will part traffic jams just for you
  • 9 legitimate reasons to tailgate
  • 4 special places to park your car that are usually unoccupied
  • 8 parking spaces that are dangerous to occupy
  • 22 regional practices that may save your life on a business trip or vacation
  • 10 driving rules for old people
  • 4 dangerous types of drivers to avoid
  • 6 courteous hand signals to prevent you from getting shot while driving
  • 7 bumper stickers and what they really mean
  • 4 food groups that may be eaten while you drive
  • 5 steps for hassle-free fast food purchasing for men
  • 77 steps for taking children through a drive-thru for women
  • 40 driving axioms to live and die by
  • 17 ways to avoid preventable traffic accidents
  • 7 hidden expenses of driving
  • 14 driving techniques of the Uniform System of Motoring Maneuvers (AKA Gapping)
  • 13 scorekeeping penalties associated with Gapping
  • 10 things insurance companies use against you to raise your insurance premiums
  • 3 effective ways you can fight back
  • 4 ways to prevent a drunk driver from hurting someone
  • 1 main reason for going to traffic school
  • 7 things you should do if pulled over by the police
  • 10 tips for handgun safety while driving
  • 21 unique driving terms defined
  • 1 surefire way to keep kids occupied on a long road trip


 Testimonials

ENDORSEMENT BY ALL MAJOR TRAFFIC SCHOOLS

“These guidelines will make you a better driver, or result in your arrest,
disfigurement, or gruesome death. Should you survive and be released from prison,
I look forward to seeing you again and again.”

Buford McPustendrivel, President – All Major Traffic Schools

 

SUPPORT FROM THE MOTOR VEHICLE DEPARTMENT

“We ain’t the DMV, and this book don’t say the same stuff we do
about drivin’ safe, but it did make me laugh.”

Fanny Brammingtonly – Department of Vehicular Transportation

 

RAVE REVIEW FROM RURAL AMERICA

“This book reveals the fetid underbelly of modern society, and reminds me
that it’s better to shovel horse manure from crevasse-ridden buggy paths
than risk unholy fellowship with motorized steel death machines.”

Ezekiel Shehazabeerd, Ph.D. –  Amish Community Leader


Yep, it’s that kind of book.

Want More?


True Driving
The OFFICIAL Unofficial Driver Handbook™



Order your copy today.
120 Pages. 
More than 100 color cartoons.
$6.95 for environmentally friendly PDF.
Immediate download.







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